I had to ask for help today. Only from my own mum. But it hurt my pride, my fought-for independence. It is always hard for me to admit I can’t do something all on my own.
Especially after coming out of a situation a few years ago that had so disempowered me, I never wanted to go back to that place.
But as I was considering whether to even ask for help, or whether to figure it out myself, I remembered the Babushka dolls, the nesting dolls my daughter had been playing with. The Abushka dolls, she calls them. Which she just happened to have wanted to bring home from staying at my mum’s house a couple of days ago.
As I looked at the series of nesting dolls, I thought of the symbolism. She calls the big one the mother and the rest the children. And she is right.
Think of the way a girl is born with all the eggs she will ever have already inside her ovaries. The beginnings of her own daughters are already inside her, even while she is still inside her mother. And her beginnings were found while her mother was inside the womb of her mother.
Egg within egg. Woman within woman within woman. Like a series of nesting dolls.
A woman carries generations within her womb, and generations within her soul. We are connected to our physical, spiritual and energetic generational lines before we are even conceived.
Physically, emotionally, creatively, we embody this throughout our lives.
It is different for men. The seed of their creative power is more immediate, on demand almost, and can be instantly expelled.
But women, we take it all in; literally, symbolically, energetically.
We hold it within us. We create within ourselves, with things that began long before our own generation. We take in, we hold, we gestate, we nurture & grow within us. And then we birth, with intensity and trial.
Men are connected to this too of course, as they also come partly from the egg and are carried within a woman’s body.
But both physically and energetically they leave that state. It is not quite so much a part of them as it is for women.
Women - whether we physically have children or not, whether those physical organs are present or functioning or not - are energetically connected to this state forever. It is our being. We are both mother and daughter at once, always, symbiotically.
We carry the pain and the trauma of that. We are born into stuff that isn’t even ours, but is carried through the generations of all the pain and trauma that has been done to us, to women.
There feels like there is so much to come back from. To gain true equality, to restore true balance, there seems to be so much that has to change - the fabric of everything!
It’s not just a matter of being ‘allowed’ - by others, or by ourselves - it’s that along with permission and empowerment, the very foundation of life has to change for it to be even be possible to put into motion all we are moving into.
In a dream last night, I dreamt that even staircases had been designed by and for men, and so suited their feet and not ours. (Though there are things in the world that are literally designed by and for men that systemically disadvantage women, like the size of tools playing a role in keeping us thinking we are not very ‘handy’, I’m not sure stairs are literally one of those things.)
But symbolically stairs are ascension. Rising. So in my dream, if the stairs - the pathways to where we want to go - aren’t made for our feet, then what hope do we have of going as high and as far as we want to, without immense struggle?
The world has been against us, both consciously and unconsciously designed to keep us down.
We have been silenced, ridiculed, shamed, ignored, and somehow made to believe we deserve it. And even if it hasn’t happened to us personally and directly, we carry it with us in our creative centres, in our souls.
That can feel like a burden. As we uncover patterns and beliefs and things that bind us, and realise “This isn’t even mine! This isn’t my stuff!”
And yet we are tasked with dealing with it, lest we live our entire lives knowing we could have been more. And yet is not always a matter of releasing our own stuff and getting on with it, because the world is not fully ready - we must remake it. Remake it to fix and heal things that were not even ours.
But while it feels like an unfair burden, it is also an opportunity.
Because just as we are so intimately affected by generations of ‘stuff’ from generations of women and generations of trauma - so is our healing also theirs. When we clear and rise, so too do they. Those whom we carry with us, imprinted and connected from before us, and those who we carry with us, yet to come.
And not just our own biological daughters, but the whole collective of women the world over, connected. Nested within each other.
This is inherent in our womanhood. Our connectedness.
And so you don’t need to try to do it alone. Even ‘your burdens’ are not solely yours. We share them intimately, as we all carry it within us, as we were carried within other.
Your independence and rise into all you are meant to be is yours, but also connected to all that came before you, and all that will come after you.
You don’t need to rebuild your own staircases to the top all on your own. We do it together, sharing our gifts, balancing our weaknesses, sharing our burdens, creating these new pathways that are designed for us. And we rise higher and higher, as we share these new ways and staircases, building on what others have laid in place before us and beside us.
Accept help. Accept connection. Share the burden, the pain, the joy, the grief, the rising, the creating, the birthing - of babies, of projects, of dreams, of visions, of renewed lives and unstoppable power.
Regaining our individual self-belief and self-empowerment is only part of it. Learning to give ourselves permission is only part of it. We are relearning to become independent women, in charge of our own destinies. But we need to also remember and reclaim the power of our interconnectedness, if we want to truly rise as far as we know is in us to go.
2018 is a year of rising together. Of relearning our deep connection to each other and what that means. You may have already felt it in motion. You don’t have to figure out how it will happen.
Just be willing to receive. Reach out and receive.
Allow yourself to be nurtured. It is not weakness, it is our collective strength.
And so I asked for help. And just before I contacted her, my mum had the song line come into her head, "Mama's gonna love you just as much as she can."
And all was well. And another little piece of our womanhood was healed. And I felt that collective thread draw us all closer.
You are never alone.